Before You Give Advice, Think About How Well It Would Work For You

I haven't kept it a secret that I've been going through a divorce this year. It's been stressful and painful, and has cost a LOT of money.

Through it all, my least favorite people to deal with have been my fellow Christians.

Think about that. Aren't we supposed to be salt and light? Aren't we supposed to be helping each other lighten burdens and proving comfort? Then why don't we?

I'm not talking about the Christian brothers who know me well. It's the ones who sort of know me; but weren't close enough for me to let them in on things until after the die was cast.

The people who saw the pain my 12 year marriage put me through; who saw what I'd done to keep it working; who prayed for me and with me, thought it was probably best. The people who didn't were a galactic pain in my butt.

The moment I came public with my divorce, these Christians were right there "trying" to be helpful and failing drastically.

"You need to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!" Thank you very much. That never occurred to me. Why didn't anybody tell me that 5 years ago? Never thought of that one. Would have made all the difference.

"YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!" Thank you very much. That never occurred to me Why didn't anybody tell me that 5 years ago? Never thought of that one. Would have made all the difference.

My least favorite bits of advice dealt with Fireproof and The Love Dare. You people do know Fireproof is fiction, right? That it's not even based on a true story? And "The Love Dare" is merchandising based on the movie (or the movie is based on the merchandise) and again is not guaranteed. Plus, yes, I did.

Something else I came to loathe was "Well, I just prayed for God to fix my marriage, and He did!" Yeah, that's helpful. I prayed for him to fix mine, and he didn't.

One of the people who gave me some of this recent valuable advice turned out to be going through his own divorce. I seriously toyed with feeding some of it back to him. "You should PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! I bet that never occurred to you, so do it NOW! You should watch FIREPROOF! I see that Love Dare copy on your desk. READ IT UNTIL IT WORKS!"

But I decided not to. I decided to be merciful to him. I told him I'd pray for him, and I'm sorry to hear that it's happening to him.

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce. We don't live in that world.

On the bright side, it appears God did answer my prayers; just not the way I expected. But I can't go public with that yet. 

Job- An Alternate Timeline?

Job came up in my church small group today. I've done quite a bit of study on Job. I once took a "Wisdom Literature" class at a non-accredited Bible college that required reading Job in several translations. Yes, I'm a Bible college dropout.

I've never attempted to compare myself to Job. Job was innocent; I seem to have worked pretty hard to get into the trouble I do. For instance, my wife is in the process of divorcing me.

So Job starts out with the "Sons of God" presenting themselves before the throne. Satan is among them. God points out his servant Job. Satan says it would be really easy for Job to curse God. God gives Satan permission. In Chapter 2, Satan ups the ante, and God goes along with it.

In Chapter 3, Job's three friends come from an apparent distance to mourn with him. It says they sat there quietly for 7 days. Then in Chapter 4, Job opens his mouth and wails about how it would have been better had he never been born.

Most of the book is Job's friends' attempts to tell Job "Now, you just wait a minute here!" They each take an attempt, and Job responds, and it escalates. Finally, them and Job run out of things to say, and Elihu opens his verbose mouth (can somebody please shut Elihu up?) and rambles on for 5 chapters.

Then God shows up, and takes Job on a "tour" of exactly where he fits into the grand scheme of things. Job attempts in Chapter 40 to admit he's talking out of turn, but God continues on the tour of majesty. Job repents. God restores Job double what he once had.

It's a great book.

But I've always been left wondering something.

What if Job's friends, rather than start rebuking him after Chapters 4 and 5, tried something different?

What if one of them just gave Job a hug, and told him "It's cool, Job. We'll get you through this"?

The problem with suffering and advice is, most of us are Job's friends. Hey, don't knock them. They traveled far to sit with him in mourning. Those are pretty good friends. They didn't start arguing with him until Job wailed that he should never have been born. Then they tried to defend against his thinking. And Job got defensive, and it escalated. But they were trying to be faithful to what they understood about God.

I notice when I'm in suffering, sometimes other believers become my enemies. Sure, they think they're defending God. They think they're helping. But they're not.

When I lost my job in 2010, somebody at church actually asked me "You know you can find jobs in the paper, right?" It took all my willpower not to sarcastically reply (pardon my French) "No shit! I'm in my late 30's, and nobody ever told me THERE ARE JOBS IN THE NEWSPAPER!"

Just like my divorce. I've been married 12 years. And other Christians, who just find out, come in with "You have to fight for your marriage!" I want to ask "Oh, really? Where were you 5 years ago? That advice would have made all the difference. Why did nobody else share with me this sacred advice?" It's as if I haven't been fighting, and praying, and seeking counsel, and reading books like "Love and Respect", "Sacred Marriage", and other big named and lesser names tomes. Nope, just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer. Never even occurred to me to pray, you'd think based on the advice of most evangelical Christians.

Others advise me to get "The Love Dare" and run it. Like I haven't already. You do know Fireproof was just a movie, right? And even at that, not based on a true story?

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". Would the story of Job have come out differently if his friends, rather than challenging his rant, decided to weep with him?

Not Sure Where To Go With This Blog

I've never felt qualified to write this blog, even from the day I started it sometime in 2005. The best I can think of is a "what not to do".

Now that my wife and I are scheduled to meet with a "divorce mediator" (and not the kind that tries to talk you out of it), I'm not sure where to go with this blog. Her mind is pretty much set, and short of God showing up in her dreams and talking her out of it, I'm pretty sure the die has been cast. How I'm supposed to drive with her in a car all the way to Princeton, NJ knowing it's for an appointment she set to begin the end of our marriage is something I haven't figured out yet.

It's occurred to me that I have long since stopped listening to Christian "spiritual" leaders who seem to have it all figured out. Those are usually the ones that fall the hardest.

I've never claimed to have it "all figured out". I never want to be viewed that way. I am not our deliverer. I need Him as badly as you do.

So I don't think I'm going to kill the blog. I have no idea if I'll ever get married again or not, but the topic is relevant no matter what I do.

One thing I promise you will not get here is cliched 21st century American churchianity. Our God is perfect, but we are not.

There was a time when I thought I wanted to be an elder in a church. That time has passed. So I'm not that torn up about losing that possibility. Somebody else can handle the petty church politics and "PowerPoint is from the Devil!" stuff elders and pastors have to deal with. It won't be me. But the loss of that possibility crossed my mind as I've seen this point approaching.

Hopefully I'll figure out something to do with the blog.

The original concept came from the question "What exactly does it mean to live a Christian life?" Does that really mean not watching TV and never getting mad? Spending almost every free hour at church functions?