This post will probably be a lot of rambling. I hope it can be helpful to somebody.
I got hung up on last night. It was probably my fault. It had to do with communicating. I kind of knew was what being said, but I was focused more of the words that were used, which were incorrect and fallacious.
What I should have done is pay attention to the feelings behind the words. What is being said rather than how it is being said.
It's no secret that men and women are different. We have different physiologies, we see the world differently, our brains process things differently. We have slightly different feelings. We have different concerns. In many ways, we are the same, but there are some core differences. These can cause a lot of problems.
I don't think it helps that I'd done a lot of study in communications. I've spent a lot of the last 6-8 months studying logical fallacies. At one point early in my studies, I was afraid to write because I didn't want to commit a logical fallacy myself.
I tend to be fairly logical and analytical. In one way, this helps me get to the root of a problem. But, like last night, I went after the wrong root.
It would be so much easier in life if people would learn to listen to their bodies and think about what they're trying to say. But this isn't likely to happen. Even the analytical like me becomes guilty of speaking from feelings from time to time. I get ticked off and annoyed without understanding why, and start venting on whoever is near, or venting through whatever superficial issue comes up while I'm annoyed.
I probably shouldn't share any details, but my wife doesn't read my blogs anyway. The short version is this:
I asked her to handle something on Monday. Since I have to work and stay in another state, I can't exactly deal with our issues in New Jersey without taking vacation and spending money on gas and tolls. I get about one day at home every two weeks right now.
Her response had to do with this errand throwing off her entire schedule. So I asked what was on her schedule. She didn't know.
Then I went in the wrong direction. I asked "So if you don't actually have anything planned on that day, how can doing this for us throw your schedule off?"
The next few moment of our conversation led to me saying "Grow up". I got hung up on.
The worst part is, I sort of understood. She wasn't happy with this. She didn't want to do it. It was my mistake that caused the need for it in the first place. Obviously, she realized that if she doesn't do it, it can't be done. I knew this, but because I was more focused on how she was saying it, which was full of fallacies, than what she was saying, I went in the wrong direction and worked against us.
When you're having an argument with somebody, you HAVE to be able to put your pride aside. It's most likely the other person either won't do it or can't do it. They may not have the "tools" to do it. One of Covey's 7 Habits is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". I violated that habit.
I got hung up on last night. It was probably my fault. It had to do with communicating. I kind of knew was what being said, but I was focused more of the words that were used, which were incorrect and fallacious.
What I should have done is pay attention to the feelings behind the words. What is being said rather than how it is being said.
It's no secret that men and women are different. We have different physiologies, we see the world differently, our brains process things differently. We have slightly different feelings. We have different concerns. In many ways, we are the same, but there are some core differences. These can cause a lot of problems.
I don't think it helps that I'd done a lot of study in communications. I've spent a lot of the last 6-8 months studying logical fallacies. At one point early in my studies, I was afraid to write because I didn't want to commit a logical fallacy myself.
I tend to be fairly logical and analytical. In one way, this helps me get to the root of a problem. But, like last night, I went after the wrong root.
It would be so much easier in life if people would learn to listen to their bodies and think about what they're trying to say. But this isn't likely to happen. Even the analytical like me becomes guilty of speaking from feelings from time to time. I get ticked off and annoyed without understanding why, and start venting on whoever is near, or venting through whatever superficial issue comes up while I'm annoyed.
I probably shouldn't share any details, but my wife doesn't read my blogs anyway. The short version is this:
I asked her to handle something on Monday. Since I have to work and stay in another state, I can't exactly deal with our issues in New Jersey without taking vacation and spending money on gas and tolls. I get about one day at home every two weeks right now.
Her response had to do with this errand throwing off her entire schedule. So I asked what was on her schedule. She didn't know.
Then I went in the wrong direction. I asked "So if you don't actually have anything planned on that day, how can doing this for us throw your schedule off?"
The next few moment of our conversation led to me saying "Grow up". I got hung up on.
The worst part is, I sort of understood. She wasn't happy with this. She didn't want to do it. It was my mistake that caused the need for it in the first place. Obviously, she realized that if she doesn't do it, it can't be done. I knew this, but because I was more focused on how she was saying it, which was full of fallacies, than what she was saying, I went in the wrong direction and worked against us.
When you're having an argument with somebody, you HAVE to be able to put your pride aside. It's most likely the other person either won't do it or can't do it. They may not have the "tools" to do it. One of Covey's 7 Habits is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". I violated that habit.
No comments:
Post a Comment