New Post; I Guess I'm Back

I started this blog in 2005 after my second child was born. I've never felt qualified to write it. I felt like I failed at everything and was the worst example for what I wanted to model. 

I haven't written on this blog since my divorce in 2013. But, people were actually reading this blog during the times I started and stopped writing it. And I've been wanting to write again. I maintain a blog under my own name, and I'm thinking of using that for more professional material. But living a successful Christian life with my family is important to me, as it is important to you. 

I've had many failures in life. I've lost a job, I've been through a divorce, I've been deep in debt, I've missed opportunities. I've spent years only seeing my children about two weeks a year. Lots of heartache and despair. 

 I've fought battles and survived. I've learned a lot in that time. I've taken advice that is at best abstract and nearly useless and figured out how to make it practical. I've wrestled with many subjects. 

 You may have found yourself in a situation where the advice you get from pastors and other Christians isn't very helpful. "You should pray!" Like you don't already know that. But what does it mean? 

 Since my last post on this blog, I've remarried. The two boys in that "Family picture" in the top right? They now work at the same McDonalds and have learner's permits. They live with me now as I strive to get them across the finish line to manhood. I spend a sinificant amount of time driving them back and forth to work and church, but there are greater problems to have than two teenagers who enjoy the high school ministry and activities at church. 

 With remarriage came a stepson and much learning, failure, and progress. He is now 19, and the oldest of the three. 

 Perhaps I do have something useful to say. The design for family was meant to be practiced in community. We lack that in our 21st century society. I grew up in the military, and somehow got the message that I was supposed to serve and settle where I land. I ended up far from family in an insular state. I was lost when I first got married and had children. I had few examples to model, and little help. I didn't know what questions to ask, and I didn't have many people I could go to for help. I was on my own. And that's not how it's supposed to work. Most advice was useless. I get "love your wife as Christ loved the church", but what does that MEAN? How do you carry it out? It's too abstract, and yet pastors and fellow Christians throw it at you like it's supposed to help. 

 And when you fail at it, somehow it's your fault. 

When you need to know something like, say, how to replace a toilet valve, it does you no good to find a YouTube video or instructions that say "love your toilet as Mike Rowe loved Dirty Jobs." You need step by step, understandable instructions. And I will take that as my mission: to give understandable, actionable steps for a Christian Family Life. 

I won't be able to solve all problems (I sure haven't for myself), but I will try to make things understandable in a way you may not have seen. I have forged a unique perspective over the course of my life so far. Maybe something I've experienced or learned can help you. 

 One change I made from my own life is telling my children to think about staying in this area. To quote a line from the end of Battlestar Galactica "Where we are is where we'll stay." It caused me physical pain, but in our current climate, I told them to avoid the military. I am at least 3rd generation military, maybe 4th or 5th according to some draft cards I found on Ancestry. One of my boys was excited to be another generation of military in our family, but I don't think that's a good idea at this time. I think they need to settle in this area so when they have their own families, they won't be cut off from support like I was. And having taught both of them how to drive, I told them they owe me grandchildren so they can experience that rite of passage on their own.

Job- An Alternate Timeline?

Job came up in my church small group today. I've done quite a bit of study on Job. I once took a "Wisdom Literature" class at a non-accredited Bible college that required reading Job in several translations. Yes, I'm a Bible college dropout.

I've never attempted to compare myself to Job. Job was innocent; I seem to have worked pretty hard to get into the trouble I do. For instance, my wife is in the process of divorcing me.

So Job starts out with the "Sons of God" presenting themselves before the throne. Satan is among them. God points out his servant Job. Satan says it would be really easy for Job to curse God. God gives Satan permission. In Chapter 2, Satan ups the ante, and God goes along with it.

In Chapter 3, Job's three friends come from an apparent distance to mourn with him. It says they sat there quietly for 7 days. Then in Chapter 4, Job opens his mouth and wails about how it would have been better had he never been born.

Most of the book is Job's friends' attempts to tell Job "Now, you just wait a minute here!" They each take an attempt, and Job responds, and it escalates. Finally, them and Job run out of things to say, and Elihu opens his verbose mouth (can somebody please shut Elihu up?) and rambles on for 5 chapters.

Then God shows up, and takes Job on a "tour" of exactly where he fits into the grand scheme of things. Job attempts in Chapter 40 to admit he's talking out of turn, but God continues on the tour of majesty. Job repents. God restores Job double what he once had.

It's a great book.

But I've always been left wondering something.

What if Job's friends, rather than start rebuking him after Chapters 4 and 5, tried something different?

What if one of them just gave Job a hug, and told him "It's cool, Job. We'll get you through this"?

The problem with suffering and advice is, most of us are Job's friends. Hey, don't knock them. They traveled far to sit with him in mourning. Those are pretty good friends. They didn't start arguing with him until Job wailed that he should never have been born. Then they tried to defend against his thinking. And Job got defensive, and it escalated. But they were trying to be faithful to what they understood about God.

I notice when I'm in suffering, sometimes other believers become my enemies. Sure, they think they're defending God. They think they're helping. But they're not.

When I lost my job in 2010, somebody at church actually asked me "You know you can find jobs in the paper, right?" It took all my willpower not to sarcastically reply (pardon my French) "No shit! I'm in my late 30's, and nobody ever told me THERE ARE JOBS IN THE NEWSPAPER!"

Just like my divorce. I've been married 12 years. And other Christians, who just find out, come in with "You have to fight for your marriage!" I want to ask "Oh, really? Where were you 5 years ago? That advice would have made all the difference. Why did nobody else share with me this sacred advice?" It's as if I haven't been fighting, and praying, and seeking counsel, and reading books like "Love and Respect", "Sacred Marriage", and other big named and lesser names tomes. Nope, just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer. Never even occurred to me to pray, you'd think based on the advice of most evangelical Christians.

Others advise me to get "The Love Dare" and run it. Like I haven't already. You do know Fireproof was just a movie, right? And even at that, not based on a true story?

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". Would the story of Job have come out differently if his friends, rather than challenging his rant, decided to weep with him?

Andy Andrews: 12 Ways to Create Memories

I shortened the title. Andy Andrews had a post on his blog today giving 12 suggestions to create memories with your family. It's intended for the season of the holidays. I'm sure it's good for other things. #6 is out for me since my family is in New Jersey, a full service state. I often do get out and pump my own gas when they let me get away with it. When the pump shuts off, I can still fit 3 gallons in the tank.

And of course, since we homeschool, I really don't have to care if teachers are happy or annoyed with keeping the children up late on a "school night". They often stay up later than I'm capable of.

Should I Keep This Blog?

I started this blog in 2005 after my wife and I had our second child, Caleb. You can tell how long it’s been since the picture was updated. I had some grand ideas for this blog.

The problem is, right after I started it, I realized just how unqualified I am to write it.

Most times, I feel like I’m a failure as a husband, a father, a professional, and as a Christian. Hence, I’m not fit to write about “Christian Family Life”.

But then again, who is?

I’ve started and stopped many blogs. My main blog is currently here, although I haven’t updated it in a while. I’ve tried splitting the topics I’m interested in out, and I’ve tried keeping them in one place.

The weird thing is, occasionally, I get an email, or Facebook contact, or something about this blog, which I’ve done very little with. Every now and again, it seems to help somebody.

Whether I’m qualified to write it or not, I have found that sometimes, a small tip from a fellow traveller who has been a little farther down the same road can be more helpful than a travel guide written by an ivory tower “expert”.

So if this blog is useful to you, let me know.

When I entered fatherhood (heck when I got married), I realized just how unprepared I was. Nothing in my life, not my family, friends, education, anything, had prepared me for what I was to face. And I planted my face on the pavement each and every time I tried like a never-ending run of “It Only Hurts When I Laugh” (Caleb’s favorite show).

I believe discipleship is being able to walk with somebody who has been there, while you’re going there. Jesus picked 12 men to walk with Him. They lived with Him, ministered with Him, were corrected by Him, and above all, prepared by Him. I believe discipleship in the church is missing that component. At least, in the churches I’ve been to and the books I’ve read.

So if you get any use from this blog, let me know. I’ll be happy to post my failures (and maybe the success or two I’ve had) here for edification.

Guest Post: Parents, Get This Book

This is the first guest post I’ve gotten as a blogger.

=============
“MOM, DAD, I’M BORED.”
3 Easy Activities for Moms, Dads & Their Kids to Share During the Holiday Break
Editor’s Note: You have full permission to use this text and images on your Website, blog and/or publication. Any questions, or for high-res images, contact Roy G. Miller, roy@marketingzen.com, or call 903.422.5117.
•••
The kids are restless, Dad’s glued to the torrential downpour of football games on the TV and the kids are BORED. What’s a holiday-exhausted Mom to do? Forget shopping, chores and barking back at bored kids, try something different and have some holiday fun. Try these three Mom-friendly activities. You’ll be glad you did. So will your kids.
Fun Time #1: Take the BORED out of Board-dom. Go to that forgotten stack of board games in the back closet and re-introduce your kids to great classics like Operation, CandyLand, Battleship, Clue , Trouble and more. Get even more basic, play a game of checkers! Show your kids that fun and entertainment don’t have to blip, flash, explode or require double AA batteries.
Fun Time #2: Story Time. Wait until bedtime, slip on the PJs, warm up the hot chocolate and fire up the fireplace. Get the gets comfortable and focused, then re-kindle the magic of yesteryear with Story Time that tells a dramatic, kid-relevant story—a story that shares the real story of Christmas through the eyes of Little Star. This new children’s book from Author Anthony DeStefano tells the story of one little, insignificant Star and how he becomes more than significant by ushering in a newborn King named Jesus.
AN EXTRA BONUS! SEE PAT BOONE read the story at http://tinyurl.com/littlestar, or get your own copy. More at www.anthonydestefano.com.
Fun Time #3: A Hilarious History Lesson. Give your kids the laugh of a lifetime and share a little of your family history too. Blow the dust off those photo albums—and boxes of old photos—and let them see you and Mom when you were kids and teenagers. Yeah, they’ll gasp and gawk and never stop ribbing you about it. It’s a great time to reminisce and roar with laughter. Plus, your kids will now understand why you’re always taking their pictures. You can make fun of them in 20 years!
Happy Holidays!
####

Anthony DeStefano

www.anthonydestefano.com

“Have you thought about Heaven lately? Wonder what it’s like? How you can get there? A Travel Guide to Heaven explains it all. And while it may be your final destination, it will be the best trip you ever took. Heaven, it turns out, really is Heaven!”

Is a mass forwarded email really a blessing or prayer?

I got the following in an email over the weekend:

Dear Friends and Family,



I was asked by a very special friend as part of her religion class who I thought would DO this. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me. (You'll see why.) In case anyone is interested. May everyone who receives this message be blessed. REMEMBER to say a prayer before you read the poem. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to eleven people.



Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of reward. (Did you pray?) Make sure you pray, and pray believing that God will answer. This is your last opportunity before reading the poem.



May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.... May you be content knowing you are a child of God... Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us. Now, send this to 11 people within the next 5 minutes and remember to send this back...I count as 1...you'll see why.

Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward

_________________________________________________________________
All-in-one security and maintenance for your PC. Get a free 90-day trial!
http://clk.atdmt.com/MSN/go/msnnkwlo0050000002msn/direct/01/?href=http://www.windowsonecare.com/?sc_cid=msn_hotmail

One thing that I actually do appreciate about this email is that it is a cut and paste job rather than a carrot laden italicized forward job. I hate when a bunch of AOL users forward an email, because each forward encapsulates the email in another envelope which must be opened by me. Some of these can have 20 or more envelopes, which takes that much more time to open just to find that I have wasted my time to find the same email that I have been getting for more than a decade.

This email says "I was asked by a very special friend as part of her religion class who I thought would DO this. I hope I chose the right twelve. " I wonder what that is supposed to mean. Oh, I get it! Who else chose 12? OK, I see, unspecified friend taking unspecified "religion" class choosing 12, hopefully I'm among the right 12, etc, except that the person who forwarded this to me didn't start it; this text was only cut and pasted from who knows how many forwards. This email is also very poorly written with several run-on sentences and other statements that don't even count as sentences.

I have to wonder where we as humans get the idea that forwarding an email absolves us of all responsibility for our actions on this earth. It's as if we can say "Oh, look, I'm going to save this country because I forwarded that George Carlin-esq rant about border security!" "Well, I've never actually witnessed for Christ, but I did pass along that Power Point file to all of my friends, family, and coworkers."

No one reads my blog anyway, so I would like to add that this email came from a close friend of mine from my church who really hasn't had much time for me lately. We're both busy with our families, with teaching classes, and with our work on the church expansion project so that we barely have time to exchange "what's up; nothing much" in passing. But does including my email address among 11 others count as buddy time?

I am a great fan of the internet and email. My wife thinks that I need psychiatric help. When we travel, I like to have an internet connection. She considers it nice to get away from the internet, I don't consider myself to be running from it. However, I don't believe that the internet can replace personal, community, and civic responsibility. Don't send me a "blessing" in an email, or a "prayer", insist that I spam my entire address list or I don't love Jesus, and expect that to count as friendship. It doesn't. I consider it annoying, especially when these emails are sent to my work address and I have to waste valuable time deleting them when I could be working (or slacking off, but I consider deleting these silly emails work, and I get enough junk on the company all hands list).

If you want to save the country, forward those rants to your Congressman. If you want to inspire people, then spend some one on one time with them. Don't forward them somebody else's words with an admonition to spam everybody that they know with the email. You couldn't raise your children by forwarding them silly emails, and you can't maintain a friendship by it either.

Let's keep email where it belongs and use one on one contact where we can. Please, our sanity depends on it.