Spiritual Battle Tactics: Patience and Anger (Quick Tactics)

Patience

 I view patience and anger as related, especially since a loss of patience often results in anger. Many people pray to God for patience. I don't have access to data on whether or not God grants that request. 

Patience isn't magic. It's a virtue. And like any virtue, it has to be cultivated over the course of your entire life. If you want to become more patient, you're going to have to put in some serious work. But it is worth the effort.

Anger

Anger is an emotion. It is perfectly normal. Not all anger is wrong. We are made in the image and likeness of God, and God gets angry. Jesus got angry. The anger itself is not wrong; the response to anger is usually wrong.

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV)

²⁶ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

I'm not going to spend much time defining anger or patience. Greater minds have already done this, and this post is focused on tactics; practical steps you can take. Like most "spiritual discipline" material, this will focus on things I've tried that I found work for me.

Health

There are some simple things you can do to get a better response in situations where you typically lose your patience and get angry. I find my response is more even when I'm taking a B vitamin (obviously, nothing I say constitutes health advice). I tend to get cranky when I'm dehydrated, so ensuring I get enough water is important. And definitely do not get in my way prior to my first cup of coffee (I'm usually the first one up anyway). Adequate sleep is important, but I understand some seasons of life do not allow it, especially when you have small children.

For me, getting up and walking around helps a lot. Usually I just pace back and forth. Going for a walk outside is better, but movement helps your mind and body so take what you can get. Stretch. Swing your arms around. Whatever you can do to move.

Breathing

There is a tactic I picked up from a book written by a former Navy SEAL called "box breathing". I've seen indications this is practiced by most special forces personnel. Inhale on a 4 count (that is, inhale while slowly counting 1-2-3-4), hold for a 4 count, then exhale on a 4 count. Repeat this a few times. Deep breathing increases your body's oxygen supply. This clears your mind and relaxes you. I find doing this when I'm angry or frustrated helps reset things.

Music/Prayer

You can try putting on music or praying. I have come to use songs as prayers, and I have a few that I go to regularly. I've taken the time to memorize some songs so I have them available in my head when I need them. The Lord's Prayer is also useful to me. I've found it refocuses my mind on God and not on my own current problem. 

Use whatever music works for you. I memorized some classics like "Amazing Grace" and "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" as well as some contemporary music by people like Chris Tomlin and Skillet, a current favorite.

Some Christians find devotional material useful. It doesn't work as well for me, but I don't consider myself "normal". I'm inspired by finding new connections between different parts of the Bible, or new discoveries in science or archeology that validate what the Bible says. But over the years, I've gotten on a few devotional email lists and sometimes they're useful. There is a lot of material out there; some of it free.

Give Thanks

There is a reason we're told to give thanks frequently. Thanksgiving also resets your perspective. Are your children making you angry? Think about how blessed you are to have children. This is only a moment in time. Think of the course of your life and the wonderful times you've had with your children and those you're still going to have. You've been blessed with children and with the responsibility to teach them. This will pass.

I had a weird feeling on Thanksgiving 2019. After years of frustrations and challenges and not seeing my children often, I had them for 2 weeks that Thanksgiving. We went over to the in-laws', and I remember having a feeling of being greatly blessed. That's a feeling I can hold onto during trying times. Likewise, when they told me they wanted to be baptized last year. Recalling that now is helping me deal with some uncertainty I'm facing.

Perspective

Thanksgiving is a great perspective reset. Reframe things. Children pestering you? There are far worse problems to have than your children wanting your attention. Is your job frustrating? I get it; I've been there my entire career. But I've also lost a job, so I know having one is something to be thankful for.

I have yet to come up with a successful reframe for junk robocalls.

Conclusion

Those are some quick and easy tactics. Those might help you through some situations, but if you REALLY want to address your patience and anger, it's going to take some work. It will be worth it though. I'll save that for another post.

The Warfare Analogy

 In the church, we often make analogies to war and battle. We talk about "Spiritual Warfare". When we face a crisis, it might be compared to a battle. Those of us with military backgrounds can relate to that, but it seems to have broad appeal to non-military.

The problem is, unlike actual warfare for which you can be trained, there is no real training for this. There is no fire team. There is no damage control. You are on your own with no training, no preparation, and no support.

I served in the Navy as a Fire Controlman. My Naval Enlistment Classification (NEC) was 1127, Block 0 CIWS Technician. I was also qualified on the Target Acquisition System (TAS), Rolling Airframe Missile (RAM), and NATO Sea Sparrow on both the Radar Set Console (ROC) and Firing Officer's Console (FOC). While I didn't have a specific qualification on the Mk 86 Gun Fire Control System (GFCS), I spent enough time around it that I could have taken over the console and operated it in a crisis.

I typically stood watch on the FOC and the CIWS Remote Control Panel (RCP). Both were defensive systems. If a missile or aircraft were approaching the ship, hopefully you could get it with Sea Sparrow and CIWS as a last resort. RAM was added to the ship the last year I was onboard. It was another short range defensive missile system.

We rehearsed missile engagements over and over and over again. Sure, it was boring, but the intent to battle drills is so that when you haven't slept in three days and you're terrified out of your mind, your training takes over and you can continue to do your job. As a team, we had the entire script memorized because one person can't do the entire job. Infantry has their own version of this. They rehearse over and over again so that they can do their jobs in battle under the worst possible conditions. Police also go through a version of this.

We do not have this in the Christian version. There is little to no training. There are no teams. We are on our own. And this is wrong. It is unScriptural. It is NOT Christian. 

When I went through my divorce in 2013, many of my brothers abandoned me on the field of battle. I was scared, confused, angry, frustrated, and a lot of other things. While I had a few close friends who stuck with me, I lost a lot of friends. Some pastors even unfriended me on social media. I guess I was "negative", and that's a sin to them. Abandoning a brother is not a sin to them somehow. It's simply cutting the negativity out of your life.

Some of those who stuck with me gave me advice that was about as useful as "make sure you aim the rifle and pull the trigger" in our war analogy. I knew and had been doing that all along.

One day a couple of coworkers who were very actively NOT Christians could tell I was struggling. They took me to lunch and just listened to me. This was the kind of gift that a pastor with a doctorate in "Marriage and Family counseling" would not give me. I got unfriended by him. But it was a gift nonetheless.

Other brothers would simply spend time with me. My small group leader would have me over for dinner with his family each week ahead of our men's prayer night. This was more valuable than maybe he understood.

I'm not here to complain. I'm only giving this as an example. So how do we make this practical?

I've been reading Ivan Throne lately. He talks of "never leave a brother behind", which should be one of our tenants in the church.

We can't be there for everybody, but we can be there for people in our spheres of influence. If you know of somebody struggling, come along side them. Listen to them. Don't try to offer them advice they probably already know. Rather than telling them "you should pray about this", PRAY WITH THEM. Bear whatever of their burdens you're able. Recruit a few other people to help out. And definitely understand this: you don't have all the facts. They will tell you or not on their own choosing. Sometimes there are underlying sins they don't want out there. You will never have all the facts of somebody's struggle. Just do what you can with what you understand.

If they push you away, let them know you will still support them.

When somebody falls from grace, the same applies. You don't have to agree with them or approve of what they did. God doesn't expect you to do that. But they still need you.

Occasionally, when a prominent figure falls from grace, I'll look up contact information and send them an email saying something like "I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm praying for you. Let me know if I can do anything." I have yet to get a response or even evidence my email was read, but I put it out there. I once offered support to a youth pastor who fell from grace in the worst possible way. He did not want it from me, but I felt a duty to offer.

Don't leave people bleeding on the battlefield. Even the guy in the company you don't like deserves to be dragged to safety and the medic. It is our duty.

I will see what I can do about addressing the battles we're likely to face and tactics for facing them. This is work that clearly needs to be done.

New Post; I Guess I'm Back

I started this blog in 2005 after my second child was born. I've never felt qualified to write it. I felt like I failed at everything and was the worst example for what I wanted to model. 

I haven't written on this blog since my divorce in 2013. But, people were actually reading this blog during the times I started and stopped writing it. And I've been wanting to write again. I maintain a blog under my own name, and I'm thinking of using that for more professional material. But living a successful Christian life with my family is important to me, as it is important to you. 

I've had many failures in life. I've lost a job, I've been through a divorce, I've been deep in debt, I've missed opportunities. I've spent years only seeing my children about two weeks a year. Lots of heartache and despair. 

 I've fought battles and survived. I've learned a lot in that time. I've taken advice that is at best abstract and nearly useless and figured out how to make it practical. I've wrestled with many subjects. 

 You may have found yourself in a situation where the advice you get from pastors and other Christians isn't very helpful. "You should pray!" Like you don't already know that. But what does it mean? 

 Since my last post on this blog, I've remarried. The two boys in that "Family picture" in the top right? They now work at the same McDonalds and have learner's permits. They live with me now as I strive to get them across the finish line to manhood. I spend a sinificant amount of time driving them back and forth to work and church, but there are greater problems to have than two teenagers who enjoy the high school ministry and activities at church. 

 With remarriage came a stepson and much learning, failure, and progress. He is now 19, and the oldest of the three. 

 Perhaps I do have something useful to say. The design for family was meant to be practiced in community. We lack that in our 21st century society. I grew up in the military, and somehow got the message that I was supposed to serve and settle where I land. I ended up far from family in an insular state. I was lost when I first got married and had children. I had few examples to model, and little help. I didn't know what questions to ask, and I didn't have many people I could go to for help. I was on my own. And that's not how it's supposed to work. Most advice was useless. I get "love your wife as Christ loved the church", but what does that MEAN? How do you carry it out? It's too abstract, and yet pastors and fellow Christians throw it at you like it's supposed to help. 

 And when you fail at it, somehow it's your fault. 

When you need to know something like, say, how to replace a toilet valve, it does you no good to find a YouTube video or instructions that say "love your toilet as Mike Rowe loved Dirty Jobs." You need step by step, understandable instructions. And I will take that as my mission: to give understandable, actionable steps for a Christian Family Life. 

I won't be able to solve all problems (I sure haven't for myself), but I will try to make things understandable in a way you may not have seen. I have forged a unique perspective over the course of my life so far. Maybe something I've experienced or learned can help you. 

 One change I made from my own life is telling my children to think about staying in this area. To quote a line from the end of Battlestar Galactica "Where we are is where we'll stay." It caused me physical pain, but in our current climate, I told them to avoid the military. I am at least 3rd generation military, maybe 4th or 5th according to some draft cards I found on Ancestry. One of my boys was excited to be another generation of military in our family, but I don't think that's a good idea at this time. I think they need to settle in this area so when they have their own families, they won't be cut off from support like I was. And having taught both of them how to drive, I told them they owe me grandchildren so they can experience that rite of passage on their own.

Before You Give Advice, Think About How Well It Would Work For You

I haven't kept it a secret that I've been going through a divorce this year. It's been stressful and painful, and has cost a LOT of money.

Through it all, my least favorite people to deal with have been my fellow Christians.

Think about that. Aren't we supposed to be salt and light? Aren't we supposed to be helping each other lighten burdens and proving comfort? Then why don't we?

I'm not talking about the Christian brothers who know me well. It's the ones who sort of know me; but weren't close enough for me to let them in on things until after the die was cast.

The people who saw the pain my 12 year marriage put me through; who saw what I'd done to keep it working; who prayed for me and with me, thought it was probably best. The people who didn't were a galactic pain in my butt.

The moment I came public with my divorce, these Christians were right there "trying" to be helpful and failing drastically.

"You need to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!" Thank you very much. That never occurred to me. Why didn't anybody tell me that 5 years ago? Never thought of that one. Would have made all the difference.

"YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!" Thank you very much. That never occurred to me Why didn't anybody tell me that 5 years ago? Never thought of that one. Would have made all the difference.

My least favorite bits of advice dealt with Fireproof and The Love Dare. You people do know Fireproof is fiction, right? That it's not even based on a true story? And "The Love Dare" is merchandising based on the movie (or the movie is based on the merchandise) and again is not guaranteed. Plus, yes, I did.

Something else I came to loathe was "Well, I just prayed for God to fix my marriage, and He did!" Yeah, that's helpful. I prayed for him to fix mine, and he didn't.

One of the people who gave me some of this recent valuable advice turned out to be going through his own divorce. I seriously toyed with feeding some of it back to him. "You should PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! I bet that never occurred to you, so do it NOW! You should watch FIREPROOF! I see that Love Dare copy on your desk. READ IT UNTIL IT WORKS!"

But I decided not to. I decided to be merciful to him. I told him I'd pray for him, and I'm sorry to hear that it's happening to him.

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce. We don't live in that world.

On the bright side, it appears God did answer my prayers; just not the way I expected. But I can't go public with that yet. 

Fireproof Review Rewritten

I originally saw "Fireproof" as a pre-screening in 2008. I wrote a review of it. Recently, I looked at my original post, and realized it's crap. I've matured as a writer in the last 5 years. It rambled on too much and gave too many irrelevant details.

The rewritten post is on my main blog, The Stand Up Philosopher.

I also updated it in light of my ex-wife's pending divorce (I call it hers because I sure didn't want it). And I call her ex because, why not? Might as well get use to it. All that's left is a legal definition.

Job- An Alternate Timeline?

Job came up in my church small group today. I've done quite a bit of study on Job. I once took a "Wisdom Literature" class at a non-accredited Bible college that required reading Job in several translations. Yes, I'm a Bible college dropout.

I've never attempted to compare myself to Job. Job was innocent; I seem to have worked pretty hard to get into the trouble I do. For instance, my wife is in the process of divorcing me.

So Job starts out with the "Sons of God" presenting themselves before the throne. Satan is among them. God points out his servant Job. Satan says it would be really easy for Job to curse God. God gives Satan permission. In Chapter 2, Satan ups the ante, and God goes along with it.

In Chapter 3, Job's three friends come from an apparent distance to mourn with him. It says they sat there quietly for 7 days. Then in Chapter 4, Job opens his mouth and wails about how it would have been better had he never been born.

Most of the book is Job's friends' attempts to tell Job "Now, you just wait a minute here!" They each take an attempt, and Job responds, and it escalates. Finally, them and Job run out of things to say, and Elihu opens his verbose mouth (can somebody please shut Elihu up?) and rambles on for 5 chapters.

Then God shows up, and takes Job on a "tour" of exactly where he fits into the grand scheme of things. Job attempts in Chapter 40 to admit he's talking out of turn, but God continues on the tour of majesty. Job repents. God restores Job double what he once had.

It's a great book.

But I've always been left wondering something.

What if Job's friends, rather than start rebuking him after Chapters 4 and 5, tried something different?

What if one of them just gave Job a hug, and told him "It's cool, Job. We'll get you through this"?

The problem with suffering and advice is, most of us are Job's friends. Hey, don't knock them. They traveled far to sit with him in mourning. Those are pretty good friends. They didn't start arguing with him until Job wailed that he should never have been born. Then they tried to defend against his thinking. And Job got defensive, and it escalated. But they were trying to be faithful to what they understood about God.

I notice when I'm in suffering, sometimes other believers become my enemies. Sure, they think they're defending God. They think they're helping. But they're not.

When I lost my job in 2010, somebody at church actually asked me "You know you can find jobs in the paper, right?" It took all my willpower not to sarcastically reply (pardon my French) "No shit! I'm in my late 30's, and nobody ever told me THERE ARE JOBS IN THE NEWSPAPER!"

Just like my divorce. I've been married 12 years. And other Christians, who just find out, come in with "You have to fight for your marriage!" I want to ask "Oh, really? Where were you 5 years ago? That advice would have made all the difference. Why did nobody else share with me this sacred advice?" It's as if I haven't been fighting, and praying, and seeking counsel, and reading books like "Love and Respect", "Sacred Marriage", and other big named and lesser names tomes. Nope, just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer. Never even occurred to me to pray, you'd think based on the advice of most evangelical Christians.

Others advise me to get "The Love Dare" and run it. Like I haven't already. You do know Fireproof was just a movie, right? And even at that, not based on a true story?

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep". Would the story of Job have come out differently if his friends, rather than challenging his rant, decided to weep with him?

Not Sure Where To Go With This Blog

I've never felt qualified to write this blog, even from the day I started it sometime in 2005. The best I can think of is a "what not to do".

Now that my wife and I are scheduled to meet with a "divorce mediator" (and not the kind that tries to talk you out of it), I'm not sure where to go with this blog. Her mind is pretty much set, and short of God showing up in her dreams and talking her out of it, I'm pretty sure the die has been cast. How I'm supposed to drive with her in a car all the way to Princeton, NJ knowing it's for an appointment she set to begin the end of our marriage is something I haven't figured out yet.

It's occurred to me that I have long since stopped listening to Christian "spiritual" leaders who seem to have it all figured out. Those are usually the ones that fall the hardest.

I've never claimed to have it "all figured out". I never want to be viewed that way. I am not our deliverer. I need Him as badly as you do.

So I don't think I'm going to kill the blog. I have no idea if I'll ever get married again or not, but the topic is relevant no matter what I do.

One thing I promise you will not get here is cliched 21st century American churchianity. Our God is perfect, but we are not.

There was a time when I thought I wanted to be an elder in a church. That time has passed. So I'm not that torn up about losing that possibility. Somebody else can handle the petty church politics and "PowerPoint is from the Devil!" stuff elders and pastors have to deal with. It won't be me. But the loss of that possibility crossed my mind as I've seen this point approaching.

Hopefully I'll figure out something to do with the blog.

The original concept came from the question "What exactly does it mean to live a Christian life?" Does that really mean not watching TV and never getting mad? Spending almost every free hour at church functions?

What Are They Thinking?- When A Church Tries To Get You Back

My wife and I have left a couple churches over the last 10 years. The first church is the one I came to Christ in, and we stayed with them for eight years, long after we stopped feeling like we belonged there. The second church we stopped going to because I had to move to Virginia to work, and my wife didn't feel like "part of the family".

The first church, I was ready to lead us away, but for some reason my wife felt like she should keep going there. During the decline of our being part of that church, she stopped going entirely. She went during the week to work on the church pantry, throwing out all the expired food that was brought in (another "What The Heck Are They Thinking?" topic). I only went to church when I had to run the computer or sound board. Otherwise I didn't bother going. I would slip in the back, do what I had to do, and leave.

I found it odd that other members of the church would tell us they hadn't seen us in months and they "missed us". Right. You have our phone numbers. If you missed us so much, why haven't you called? We haven't called you because we know you invited everybody else but us to your childrens' last two birthdays and we can take a hint.

Inevitably, a church will go through the rolls to see who hasn't been to church in a while. They they "reach out" to you in a method that one wonders if the church isn't on some drugs they didn't share while you worshipped with them. You'll get a postcard that says something like "We missed you! Why don't you come to our Christmas program! It'll be fun!"

And that's what I want to ask about. When you leave a church because you don't feel like you belong there, what missing part of the brain prevents pastors, elders, and secretaries from thinking "Maybe they don't feel like valued parts of the family anymore? Is treating them the same way we would treat seekers from the community really the best way to do it?"

Somehow, I doubt most churches ever spend that much brainpower on the subject. They just continue on with whatever they're doing. "I don't know what's wrong with them. We invited them to see our Christmas program. How rude for not coming!"

To all the pastors, elders, church secretaries, and anybody else who wonders why people left your church and won't come back, why don't you try this:

"Hi! We haven't seen you in a while. Why doesn't your family come over for dinner? We'd love to see you again. No, you don't have to bring anything. We've got it". I would respond to that. I'll show up for food. But when I leave a church because we've long since been passed over for friendship and fellowship by the rest of the members, I don't give a sheep dropping about your Christmas or VBS program.

Does Every Detail In Scripture Have To "Apply To Us Today"?

In my small group, we finished off a study of Ephesians. My group leader asked us what we thought about Paul asking people not to pray that he be let out of prison.

I responded by setting the context. I said that Paul asked in Acts, as a Roman citizen, to appeal his case to Caesar. Caesar at that point was Nero. I talked about how Paul must have laid the Gospel onto Nero at least as hard as he did on the leaders in Judea.

Then my group leader asked "So how does that apply to us today?"

I opened my mouth to ask "Does it have to?" before I shut it down.

I didn't shut it down because I thought I was wrong. I often do quiet down in small group (those who know me may have a hard time believing it) because I realize not everyone has the same perspective I do. And I have a lifetime of study ahead of me.

The study then turned to "God's will for our lives", where I also kept quiet. Partly because that wasn't the forum for my thoughts, partly because I'd run my mouth enough in that small group session, and partly because I've already shared what I think about "God's will for MOST of our lives" in there.

So back to the main question that launched this post: does every last piece of Scripture have to "apply to us today"? I think a bunch of it does. But I don't think all of it does. I think parts of it are meant for us to say "Wow! I can't believe God did that!" without us also asking "So, like, when is God going to do that for me?" Otherwise, I have a long list of people who need their teeth broken in their mouths.